beautiful messy life

photo-30this blog writing essay is being submitted to Glennon @  I admire her writing…and do agree with her mantra that love always wins.  the below contains some excerpts from my book, that i have been forever working on….

describe your beautiful messy life.

writing about my life before “us,”  makes me uneasy. the font is not large enough to hide behind, and perhaps the feelings are too complicated for the english language  or the voice of  “who really cares” rears its ugly head.   however, a lovely lady once told me that if you are writer – then it is about you.  and that you need to respect the gift the God has given you and make time to better your craft.    that the truest part of yourself beckons to be heard.   i’m going now to lend an ear to the gentle whispers – allowing feelings to flow to font (try saying that fast)….thank you for stopping by to read,  i appreciate it more than you know.

my birth began in a city.  my life grew in a suburb.  i was tucked in between 2 sisters and a brother.  the middle.  the eldest sister earned a salary at the age of 15 and was gifted to take care of the animal kingdom.  the next sister i would share a bedroom for 17 years.  she was a care taker (of me), sharp dresser and instantly smart.  a little brother that would teach me (hockey) slap shots and make me laugh loosely.  siblings that i adore.   and a set of parents that were not set on each other.  dad worked hard and drank harder.  mom had a good, tired heart.

1 best friend filled weekends and catholic school introduced me to a Father.  diary always filled.  a typing class in 9th grade led to essays.   dyslexia led to report cards filled with mediocre grades.  no long loves.  no dreams, too deflated.  only to move.  away.  far.

college education seasonal, working all year.  wish granted to move.  attached to the wings of a baseball players to the sunshine state.   one big step for confidence, landed a position at kennedy space center.  skills soar, spirit still grounded.  writing halts.  departed from baseball player.

alone.  in florida.

independence, learned to walk on water.  landed a position on a cruise ship.  suburb girl sees world.     south america. central america, europe. caribbean. view becomes bigger then life.  God becomes smaller in life.  self is compromised.  reflection not recognizable.  in motion.

change on the horizon.

new job.  land locked.  lock eyes with dimples.  dimples and i share stories. much in common.  reminds me of who i am.  feel God close.  marry dimples 10 months later.

This new life becomes a blank canvas for me as a I learn how to dream with dimples who loves me “because of”, not “despite of.”    I begin to write again – and this time it is in full sentences, as i become inflated with endless possibilities.  We fill our minds by reading stories by great authors, and I learn trust – this time for real.  Trust in dimples, and in the Divine.  After being married for two years, we receive a miracle – we are pregnant.  Our daughter, Hannah is born as beautiful and silent as a sunrise.  She is the latest song from heaven; her music plays for  8 minutes and she returns back to the hands that created her.  Our vows and faith are tested but we stand.  together.

Over the years, images, feelings of despair and sorrow start to be replaced with hope and anticipation.  Death leaves with its lies and we allow Hannah to define herself.  And she is Love.  This love is real, and it stretching far and wide, wanting only to be lived.  To be shared.

Over the next 5 years, we were gifted three miracles – all wished for, cared for and loved before each were even held – our sons.   Our life was happening all around us and we were viewing it from lens of a growing perspective and gratefulness.

It was my belief at this time that Hannah was showing us how to live a deeper life – shining her love and light to all that we meet – and inspiring them in some small way.  I thought the feeling of loss would be the greatest trial of my life.  I wasn’t aware that families have multiple crosses to carry and a God that gives us more then we can bear so we can lean on Him in the thin places of life………